Sep 13

90% of women…

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completely unrelated picture....but VERY cute.

It is a statistical fact that 90% of women, when confronted with a baby, will speak as though they are the baby and will use a voice that can only be compared to the voice a person uses when they are aggressively petting their dogs belly – “Who’sh a good dog?! Oh yesh you are oh yesh you are!”

They will magically interpret the babies thoughts and feelings and, in that disturbing voice, speak it back to the baby as though they are having a conversation with that baby.

“He says, ‘I’m a little baby!  I’m so cute and precious!  Look at my toes’ he says!”

Not only is this incredibly annoying to me – the guy who owns the baby – but I can’t imagine how bizarre it must be for the child.  He’s hearing some freak voice repeat back his own inner dialogue while they tickle his toes!! If a crazy woman came up to me while I was on the couch watching tv, started tickling my toes and then said, “He says, ‘I swallowed that bug an hour ago.  I sure hope I don’t get diarrhea from it during the dinner part “, I would be pretty freaked out!

I’ve broken these channeling women down into two categories; those that bug the shit out of me, and those that don’t.

It doesn’t really bother me when the person does it to state something that Alistair might actually be thinking.  For instance, the woman will grab Alistair’s toes and say something like, “Oh what a cute little kid! He says, ‘who the heck are you, lady?! That nose looks like somebody squeezed an unripe banana and stuck it on your face!” And then she’ll look at me like she’s partially offended.  Stuff like that is fine because it’s really funny, and has yet to happen.  But I’m imagining I would find it really funny and enjoyable.

Normally it’s done by  a passive aggressive woman who uses the baby to try and instill some parenting advice.  Alistair will be in the car seat or a stroller somewhere, and the woman might grab his feet and say something like, “Oh, look at this precious baby!  He says, ‘I’m cold!  Daddy wasn’t thinking when he dressed me!  He needs to put me in socks!’ Oh, aren’t you just the cutest! He says, ‘I’m fweezing!”.

These women are the worst, but I usually let these play out as long as possible because, while annoying, they are also quite funny.  Also because I don’t know how to cut in to a one sided conversation between a baby and a psycho. The cherry on top is when they are done channeling my son’s inner spirit and they go back into their regular voice to summarize the entire performance….”Yes, every time you leave the house, you really need to make sure your baby has socks on. Don’t want him to catch a cold.”

I’ve actually gone out of my way to be contradictory to whatever these women have said.  Even at the expense of logic, I will say things like, “He loves being cold.  Comfortable is really uncomfortable to him”..just so I can sound like I’m the expert of my own child and to let THEM know that they don’t have a clue what they are talking about.  I have a funny feeling that I just end up making their case for them, but what can I do?  I’m a guy, and guys don’t take unsolicited advice from anyone, let alone some passive aggressive, inner baby channeling, know-it-alls. We just don’t. It’s not in our DNA.

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