Buzz Is Dead
Today was a sad day. We lost one of the greatest figures of all time; a legend; a large piece of destructible plastic; Buzz Lightyear. He was killed instantly from the impact of a large drop. While speculations immediately arose to why this celebri-toy may have committed suicide, police on the scene weren’t so quick to claim it as the cause of death.
Noting the location of the head in relation to his body, police rejected the idea of suicide. “No toy is gonna lose it’s head after a single impact from the roof of a one story house,” explained chief of police Elmo McNoodle. He continued, ” This toy was made to withstand much more brutality. No, this was a homicide, and we have a suspect.”
The suspect? Alleged serial toy smasher Noble Jones. He was found guilty months ago in the beheadings of two dinosaurs. Reading up on that incident, it’s no surprise that Noble was the top suspect. Toys just seem to lose their heads when around Mr. Jones. Noble had escaped his consequences in the dino case, by fleeing the scene. It appears he may have done the same in this situation. His parents commented, “We love our son dearly. He has our support if he ever decides to come back and face his consequences.”
When asked what those consequences might be, his father replied, “I have a general rule that if you murder a toy, I won’t fix it for you. It’s how I feel about human murder, and it’s how I feel about toy murder. That, and there won’t be any juice boxes for the rest of the day.” Harsh? Maybe. But in the secret underbelly of the toy killing world, maybe it’s those very same juice boxes that give these kids the superhuman strength and determination to smash a toy until it breaks.
Also wanted for questioning in connection with the slaying of Toy Story’s beloved mascot is partner in crime, Alex Johnson. If you have seen any of these two boys, you are asked to notify their parents immediately. Both were last seen wearing Spiderman apparel and racing off on a Spiderman scooter. Police have sealed off both side entrances to the house, as well as the front door, so people inside or around the Jones house are asked to be on high alert. These two are considered highly rambunctious and if you come in contact with them, hide any and all toys. They may also attempt to shoot you with Spiderman webs, but authorities tell us that these webs are merely pretend and pose no immediate threat.