Category: Uncategorized

I can’t tell you how many times I have been stopped on the street and asked, “Hey Russ!  What’s it like raising a two year old?” Actually I can tell you.  It’s never happened.  But I think that’s just because I put off an unapproachable vibe when I’m on the street.  I wear a shirt that says, “If you are close enough to read this, then I’m probably about to mace you.” So maybe it’s me.  But I wish you’d approach me more often. I like you.  And I like your question.

So what IS it like raising a two year old?  This is a really difficult question to answer.  So I thought I would give you a day in the life kind of pictorial thingy.  So, without further ado, here’s my interpretation of a day in the life with a two year old: (more…)

It’s a statistical factuality, based on a large number of highly scientific case studies that indeed the science of parenting is dumb. Unfortunately for you animal rights lovers, some of those studies included rats. But please be assured, they weren’t harmed.  They were just told how awful their parenting styles were, and how everything they are doing is causing irreparable harm to the brain developments of their tiny little baby rats. Then, the educated scientists watched as the tiny little baby rats grew into mentally and emotionally damaged adolescent rats who then turned to Meth. Meth rats.  Not a good sign for the youth of humans…if we are to draw conclusions from these professional rat studies. (more…)

I could go insane. It’s quite possible that the very act of asking me the same question, repeatedly, without care or concern for the validity of the answer, has the ability to send me over the edge.  I try not to rage out when Noble asks me “When is Will coming over” for the nine hundredth time.  But that is difficult, if not impossible.  There’s usually a snapping point.  It happens after I’ve exhausted the literal answers, the smart ass answers, and the ‘I don’t care anymore’ answers.  Let me see if I can break it down for you.  I’d love to give you a glimpse into my headspace….don’t let the roominess fool you…there’s a lot going on in there! (more…)

You can’t really say to your kid, “Hey kid! If you suck on that pacifier much longer you are gonna have horse teeth!  So it’s time to chuck it!” I guess technically you can, but wow, what a horrible human.

We could have told Alistair in a nice way that it’s time to put the binky away, but where’s the transition in that?

Whenever a parent is looking for a way to transition a child without bearing the responsibility of the torturous emotional dagger to the heart, it’s a great idea to create a mythical creature to take the blame.  In this case….the Binky Fairy. (more…)

Some of you have heard, or have gone through, the Pasadena Wind Storm Catastrophe 2011!  I’m joking about the title, but it’s actually true.  We went on a drive through Pasadena, to go grocery shopping, and we counted 10 trees down just on the way to the store.  And I’m not talking about branches.  I would say pretty much every single house lost tree branches.  Our neighbor lost some brances and our walk to school is now blocked!

No school! Couldn't walk there if we wanted to! What do you mean, "go around?" If the path is blocked...NO SCHOOL!

We got lucky.  There were many people that had their homes crushed.  We only lost some fence pieces. (more…)

Don’t you just love the yin and yang of the holiday season?  On the one side you have your joy, your family, your cheer, your decking of the halls, your wonderment fantastic! And on the other side….you have the vomiting.  The fever, the sore throat, the cough, the congestion, the torn flesh from the sides of your nose from blowing into gritty tissues, the diarrhea, and more vomiting.

I’m not a big fan of vomiting.  When I’m sick, I go out of my way to not throw up.  I will curl up in a ball, I will moan, I will rock back and forth, pray, breathe heavily, spit, pray to a different god than the one before – just in case, whatever it takes. I do NOT want to throw up.  Kids on the other hand have no problem throwing up.  The instant the mood strikes, they will purge.  This will happen over the toilet, in their bed, on my chest, the couch in the living room, on berber carpeting, wherever they happen to be.  Unless the kid has a fever, getting him to stay laying down in one spot is next to impossible.  So we parents need to be on our toes at all times, listening for that precursor burp-gag thing, so that we can chuck a large bowl under their face.

I think the winter season is the perfect season for all the wonderful holidays, because if we had Christmas and Thanksgiving in the spring or summer, then the winter would have nothing.  It would be one of the most depressing times of year.  Snow would be linked to heavier traffic and freezing cold, instead of snowmen and Santa’s home.  The leaves falling would signify the beginning of the Vomit Season as opposed to the Holiday Season.  We really need to have those awesome family holidays during the winter to balance out all the depressing sicknesses that come up this time of year.

Right now, Noble is laying on the couch after having thrown up all morning.  We’ve got another type of yin and yang going on: there’s an uncomfortable air in this house where the empathy that Gayle and I have for our son is mixed with the selfish thought of “Not me, please not me!” This won’t stop me from rubbing his back, his hair, or washing his face after he throws up.  But it does mean that I’m living the Vida OCD-a. It’s not even 11:00am, and I’ve washed my hands 4000 times, and had two large glassfuls of hand sanitizer.   My thinking is that if I drink it, it will kill the germs inside my body.*

*Don’t do that.  Seriously.  Don’t.  JOKE ALERT!

This is what I look like when Uncle Andy takes pictures while I'm holding a sick baby. Damn paparazzi...they are relentless.

It dawned on us the other day, as Noble was running around the backyard enjoying his game of “Throw Toys Wherever The Hell I Want When I Am Done With Them” that perhaps we need to institute some policies.  It then dawned on us (yes, lots of dawning going on over here)  that Noble didn’t have any set chores.  This kid needs some chores! (more…)

When life brings you sunshine, make your own puddles.

The ground is winning. Big time.

One man's art is another man's "NOOOOOOOOO!!! MY CHAIR!!!!"

THIS is how you get attention. Clench your fists, tense every muscle and you too can double your volume.

Rough night of drinking too much milk, gambling away his diapers, and getting kicked out of the playgroup for peeing on a couch. The back pain in the morning will be punishment enough.

See previous “Kids Captioned” posts here, here, and here.

There are signs for stopping.  There are signs for going.  There are signs for pushing and pulling; for open and closed.  We like to have things spelled out for us because we’d be so lost otherwise.  For example, if upon approach to a door you attempt to pull it open and it does not open, then chances are you could spend a good long afternoon standing at the door until someone comes along and pushes it open for you. Some of us are pullers, and some are pushers.  And without a sign designating which one to do, we would be a lost society just standing in front of doors, hopelessly waiting.  Honestly, I have not heard of any person who would pull a door, and then if that didn’t work try PUSHING it open.  It’s a ridiculous notion.  It requires way too much problem solving and common sense! We NEED that signage. (more…)

I read a facebook thread where a woman claimed that if she had a kid, she would leave the baby in the crib, asleep, and take the baby monitor with her a couple blocks to the store if she needed to get something.  My initial reaction was, “What the hell?!  Are you kidding me?!  What is WRONG with you?!  If punching was legal, I would punch you.” But then I settled down, because this gal doesn’t actually have any kids.  So that’s divine goodness.  But it also got me to thinking just how many people feel this same way about their kids, and am I too far in the extreme of child protection. Or am I right in completely judging this gal? (more…)