May 19

Your Child Is A Rotten Monster


The perfect, always loveable, never angry or naughty Noble James Jones

You ever notice how parents always lie about there kids?  Maybe it’s social etiquette to only mention the good things a kid does, but when I talk to strangers about their children, all I hear is how they sleep through the night, how they are so perfect, how they say all the cutest things and they win prizes and awards everywhere they go. How they can count to 1000, in German and Spanish, and they are in the advanced swimming program and they built a school for kids in Africa.  Really?  At age 5?

Don’t get me wrong here, I love telling people how great Noble is.  Noble is amazing.  He says please and thank you (sometimes), and he behaves himself the majority of the time (that he’s on playdates and at school).  He’s a fantastic, creative kid, and I would be more than happy to sit you down and draw you a picture of how Noble makes me feel….there’d be a heart, a rainbow, two unicorns and some kind of fluffy stuffed animal type thing. And an angel. Definitely an angel;  blessing the world with beauty and triumphant glory.

But when it comes to new parents, I see it as a disservice, though, to shovel my braggitude into their helpless ears as they try to get some kind of encouragement for their frustrations and lack of sleep. They don’t realize that they are going through what we all go through.  They think, because of all the goody good-time preachers out there, that they are raising an antichrist. Which is so not true…unless you are the chosen ones.  Which, if we are playing the odds, you probably aren’t. Probably.

Kids can be rotten monsters.  And it helps the new parents to see that.  Yes, I’m talking to you. What do you mean I can’t possibly be talking about your kid? Don’t even try and get your family out of this.  Your kids can totally be rotten monsters, too. I’ve seen your kids.  They may be all those wonderful, beautiful things, but guess what:

I saw your 3 year old son punch a 2 year old girl in the face….over bark. (Granted, I entered the scene right at the face punch, so I have no way to determine if, in fact, that bark belonged to him, and that he was merely defending it.  There are only 8,000,000 chips of bark in a playground, so it makes sense to defend it at all costs.)

I saw your child scream at you at the store for a toy, and you gave it to him! I was the guy down at the other end of the aisle threatening my son that if he ever did what your kid was doing, that would be the end of the road for him.  So I guess I should actually thank you for the behavior lesson.  You should include that when you tell the crying new moms at Gymboree that your son is soooo well mannered.

I saw your kid spit her food out because it was disgusting, and you acted like it didn’t happen. I wouldn’t want to pick up old regurgitated food off the floor either.  “Let someone else do it” is a great motto, for everything in life.

I saw your 5 year old yell that he was going to doody on another child, as if it were a death threat.  Weren’t you JUST telling someone how perfect your little angel was? A death threat doody is considered NOT perfect, FYI. I don’t know when a death threat doody EVER was used in a way that had all parties smiling afterward.

In summation: If you are a parent and you are asked a question by a brand new parent who has a glint of worry, or frustration in their eye, could you please, pretty please, shut up about how great your child is?  Maybe help them out by letting them know that your child, too, can be a rotten monster.  And then, after they sigh a huge sigh of relief that they aren’t the people that got the 666 baby, then you can brag about how your kid sleeps through the night.  And I’ll be happy to call you a liar.




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