Apr 9

Has This Ever Happened To You

Has this ever happened to you:

You are heading out for personal time, alone, away from the family, also referred to as getting groceries, and you pull in to the Vons marketplace with a list of about 25 items.  You feel good because you are by yourself (not that you hate your family…not that I need to explain the glory of alone time to parents). With your grocery list in hand, you step up to the row of grocery carts and pull one out.  But wait!  What the hell?  The grocery cart is stuck.  It’s attached to the one in front! You jiggle and shake, but that thing is forever attached, so you move over to the other row of grocery carts and try again.  And again the damn cart is permanently attached to the one in front!  And then, as you stand there looking bewildered at the physics of how a stupid grocery cart gets wedged into another one, a sweet 90 year old woman with osteoporosis and a Tim Conway walk makes her way to the cart.  With some kind of voodoo magic, she places her arthritic hands onto the grocery cart and she gently pulls the grocery cart free.

You contemplate body checking the sorceress and claim what is rightfully yours, but try to laugh it off instead as you go to pull a free cart out.  SON OF A BITCH!  IT’S STUCK!!

At this point, you give up on  grocery carts.  You’re that pissed.  You decide you are going to make it all happen with two of those hand baskets.

Hand baskets in tow, you head down the aisles for the groceries.  But now your shopping list is getting altered to suit your circumstance.  You’d love to buy cereal, but the box of Honey Nut Cheerios will prevent the handles on the basket from connecting at the top.  Well, that would disable your ability to carry the basket, so you start crossing items off the list with a resigned attitude of “screw it, we’re just gonna have to do without cereal for a couple of days.” This resignation applies to heavy items as well.  With this newfound chip on your shoulder, you make these judgement calls like “I’ll get the milk, but then I’m not getting the orange juice, too.  That’s just too damn heavy!”

And so you continue to make your way up and down the aisles; the basket reaching maximum capacity.  But you still have three more aisles to go, not to mention all that produce.  And because your arms are beginning to tear from their sockets (shoulda got the milk last!  Idiot!), you continue to make cuts.  Mostly based on weight, but also based on whether you missed an item on a previous aisle and would be forced to walk the length of the store with those baskets.  Not gonna happen, you think.

You finally get to the produce area and you can’t bear the load anymore.  The cantaloupe on the list is out!  Who needs fruit?  Not you, so you power walk towards a check out lane.  It’s a race to get to that lane before your fingers are torn off from the continuous pull of the baskets.  You take a second to reflect on how eight little digits have been able to handle this load for so long.

You are finally at the checkout lane and you release the baskets.  Your fingers can’t seem to figure out that you aren’t still holding a basket.

So then you look up as you are placing your amended grocery items on the conveyor belt and who do you see in front of you:  the same elderly demon princess from outside!  She’s only got 3 items!  So you shake your head, almost ready to laugh it all off when you see her start fumbling through her suitcase purse  for coupons.  SON OF A BITCH! Well, at least this gives you the opportunity to glance around at the other check out lanes and see everybody sailing through. Must be nice.

And then you FINALLY get your turn, he rings up the groceries, and you pay…..er….what?  No!  You forgot your wallet!  SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!

Has that ever happened to you?

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