Mar 19

How To Go Out To Eat Without A Diaper Bag

“What??!?! “, you say to me, as I mention going out to eat without a diaper bag. “You have a 5 month old baby! What are you thinking?”

Exactly. At least that would be Gayle’s reply. I wasn’t thinking. I stopped thinking right after I put together this amazing diaper bag, at the house, that I KNEW would evoke feelings of awe in Gayle. I am talking diapers, wipes, spit up cloth, another cloth in case the spit up cloth wasn’t enough, bottle, all sorts of maintenance items because you just never know. This bag was tricked out to the max. Unfortunately, in my haste to get out the door to have lunch with Gayle, I remembered only one thing….the baby.

We didn’t realize this until we reached the parking structure in downtown Pasadena; 10 minutes away from home. Gayle and I look at each other. Her eye contact to me: You are a bonehead. My eye contact to her: Yes, I am aware that I am a bonehead. So then a question arises: What do we do?

I don’t want to go home. We assess that the baby had eaten about an hour ago. He’s PROBABLY not going to be hungry. When did he poop last? What if he gets cranky? What if Gayle gets a work call and Alistair is freaking out? Screw it! Let’s risk it!

So how do you have a successful outting, like the one we had? Here’s the secret –

  1. When you sit down at the restaurant, figure out what you want right away.
  2. Ask the waiter to bring you the check when he brings you the food. Also get your parking validated at this time.
  3. Create your contingency plan if the baby gets hungry. Where will Gayle booby feed? (Helps to have mom around to have this particular safety net)
  4. When the check arrives with the food, have the credit card ready, and give to the waiter right then and there.
  5. Enjoy your food.
  6. Utilize your surroundings to entertain the child: we used a packet of sugar in the raw, a napkin, and Gayle’s appointment card to the dentist.
  7. At this point you should have already prayed 10 times that your child doesn’t make a poopy diaper.
  8. If child has poopy diaper, ask for a doggie bag, and bail. You will probably have about 10-15 minutes before the child is audibly ready for a diaper change. By audibly I mean screaming at you.
  9. If there is no poopy diaper, continue enjoying your meal, but make sure to keep your body riddled with anxiety about what might go wrong. This is key to being a good parent. Keeps you on your toes.
  10. Once you are done, get up and head out. That was the best 15 minute lunch ever!
  11. Congratulations! You made it without a diaper bag. Now NEVER let that happen again.

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