Nov 17

Key Translations For Your Child

Children are remarkable.  These little creatures learn to speak our language from our daily communication with them, and then, they take the wonderous joy of it all and turn it on us, thinking they can use their great use of our language to trick us!  Not today, not anymore.  I’m gonna help.

I feel it is my duty to translate a few of these manipulative uses of language in the hopes to save you, the parent, from falling for the sneakiness of your child.

“My tummy is telling me that I’m sick from the food, so I can’t eat anymore dinner.”   Total BS! Your dinner just sucks, and because he will get in trouble for saying the food is disgusting, he will appeal to your sense of empathy by acting sick from it.  Then, in 20 minutes, he’ll ask for a snack.  But in the event that they just might be telling the truth, use the following approach to make sure.  Tell them that it’s ok, and you feel so bad for the sickness.  Offer to give them a TV show and help them to settle in on the couch.  Then, when they have a huge grin on their face, mention to them that unfortunately because he’s sick, he won’t be able to have that huge chocolate bar with chocolate ice cream and a big tower of whipped cream.  After his eyes light up, and he says that his stomach doesn’t hurt anymore, stick your accusatory finger at them and say, “AH HA!!!  You aren’t sick!  I GOT YOU!” Take this proud moment of yours and use it as an opportunity to discuss the consequences of lying about being sick.

If only sandwiches were for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

“You never play with me.” The previous one attempts to work your empathy.  This one works your guilt.  It roughly translates, “I want to play, and because you aren’t jumping at the chance, I will work on you until you feel so bad about yourself that you simply MUST play with me.”  I could play with Noble for 2 hours straight, and the minute I step away to get work done, he’s on me, pulling my arm, trying to get my attention, whining about playing with me.  I love playing with him, don’t get me wrong, but I also have grown up responsibilities… like laundry, cleaning house, and checking my Facebook feed.

“You’re the meanest daddy ever!” This translates pretty close.  It means that I, his father, am meaner than any other creature on this earth. Meaner than the most heinous villian (past or present), the most vile human, or perhaps even the devil.  This is understandable.  You would probably feel the same way if I made you stop doing what you were doing to take a bath.

If you are having trouble getting inside your child’s head, please feel free to leave a comment with their saying, and I’ld be happy to translate it for you.  It is my quest to help all of us become better parents.  Because, as we all know, I’m probably the best parent that has ever lived.  I’ve read a few books on parenting stuff, so….. I’ll probably start adding a PhD to the end of my name.


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Posted in Parenting Tips