Jul 15

Why Won’t My Kid Acknowledge Me?

by

Hello! Hello?! Could you guys quit destroying the garden and lawn to make your worm castle? I said, could you please stop? HEY! KNOCK IT OFF!

Really?  You can’t ackowledge what I just said?  You can’t look up for one second to make eye contact, so that I know you heard me?  What’s your deal, dude?! Are you blatantly ignoring me? Look at me.  Acknowledge!

Welcome to my inner monologue everyone.  Above is my thought track at least once a day as I’m trying to impart my jewels of parenting guidance to Noble. Do you think he cares? No.  Not to my face, at least.  He would rather ignore all my polite requests for his attention and then yell “I heard you!” on the 5th time; the one where I raised my voice in an apparently annoying fashion.  Yes, I raised my voice.  I spoke loudly and angrily, the way I would to the airlines after they lose my bags and give me horrible customer service….multiple times….after being on hold for 10+ minutes each time. That kind of yell.

It’s so tough getting Noble to stop what he’s doing and acknowledge their parent. I’ve tried the “Noble. Noble? Noble.  Excuse me Noble.  Are you listening to me Noble? Noble?  Noble. Noble I’m talking to you” thing.  I’ve tried the “get down on their level and nicely ask for their attention” move. I’ve tried the “I’m gonna count to three if you don’t look up here and acknowledge what I just said to you” technique.  But the only thing that seems to work is to command the hell out of the room.  I usually do this by a simple math equation.  It goes like this:

Vp=f*R²

Broken down: The Volume of the Parent (Vp) is found by multiplying the focus of the child (f) and multiplying it by the number of requests already made (R) squared.  So let’s say the child is focussed pretty good, let’s say with a value of 8.  And you’ve already asked them to listen to you 3 times.  Then the volume of the parent should be – 72.  Or, according to my calculations, they should be able to hear you over a jet engine.  Or, according to layman’s terms: Scream til the ears bleed.

It works.  But I wish I didn’t have to yell.  It’s frustrating to me and it gives me high blood pressure – I assume.  I know for a fact that you are dealing with this too.  At least that’s what I tell myself so I don’t lose my mind. Do you have a “move” that works? Do tell!  I like hearing your moves.  Your moves are usually really good.

Still working on the worm castle. Yeah, there are worms in there. Yeah, there is sand from that red sandbox in there. Yeah, there are toys and leaves ripped off of happy plants. Yeah, I gave up.

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