Apr 27

Penelope Preghead and the New Baby

There once lived a woman named Penelope Preghead.  She so very much wanted to have a child.  One night, while pounding away at her studies, she heard a knock at her door.  While looking through her peephole, she saw a large group of Alphabetetians, from Alphabet Island, standing there, anxiously desiring entry into her house.  From the look of it, there was only one particular type of Alphabetetian:  C-men!

Penelope was so happy!  Everyone knew that if you wanted to have a child, then you needed C-men.  And here was an entire community,waiting to come inside. She flung her door open wide, and they made her pregnant.

For the next nine months, Penelope’s belly grew and grew and grew. And many changes took place.  One change was that everyone wanted to talk to Penelope.  Strangers on the street would come up to her and give her many pieces of wonderful advice while feeling free to touch her growing belly.  Even her husband, Dude, went through changes. He decided that the hair on his head was too cumbersome and so began a process of having it fall out, starting at the top.

One day, Penelope went into a magical room and allowed the baby to slide out of her belly.  It was that easy!

Being a mommy  wasn’t easy, though.  There were so many questions! Thankfully, as the weeks went by, Penelope and her husband, Dude, were visited by many people who wanted to help them with their new baby.  The only problem was nobody had the same advice, and most of them didn’t get along!  There was Breastfeeding Betty and her enemy Formula Frank.  There was Disposable Diaper Debbie and her hippy nemesis Cameron Cloth.  There was Binky Blair and Theo Thumbsuck.  There was Time-out  Tina and poor Spanky, who had many friends, but nobody would hang out with him in public. But  the biggest disagreements of all always came from the mouths of No-cry Nancy and The Ferb.

Every person they talked to wanted them to do things a certain way.  Doing the opposite would certainly cause the baby permanent physical and psychological harm!  This scared Penelope and Dude.  Were they going to create a bad life for their new baby?  What were they going to do?!

Then, one day, Penelope had a weird feeling in her gut.  When she went to lay down, her stomach ripped open!   Out popped a nervous looking fairy wearing crooked glasses and carrying a messenger bag filled with a glittery dust.  His name was Ira Intuition, and he had  been living in her gut since she was born. He was there to guide her when her path became too difficult.

When Penelope asked Ira Intuition about all the visitors she had and whose advice was correct, he just laughed. “They are all correct, Penelope!” And then he threw a handful of fairy dust on her.  She sneezed.  He sang, “But when you are lost, when nothing makes sense, turn to your gut.  That’s where I’ll be.  And I will rip a hole open, stick my head out, and tell you what to do!”

None of it rhymed, but Penelope had more important questions. She pleaded, “But if they are all correct, then what am I supposed to do?”

Ira reached into his bag, pulled out a large straw and blew fairy dust  around her room.  Penelope sighed at the thought of vacuuming the glittery mess out of the carpet. Ira spoke, in a Sean Connery voice, “Not one child is born the same.  Your advisors know their tricks, but none know you. And none know your baby.  I know you both, because I’ve been living in your gut and surviving on your intestinal bacteria! I literally know you inside and out.  My words will float to you on the wings of all that is right in the world.  Your one unique child shall have the advice he so needs.”

Penelope felt relieved that there was finally one voice, albeit an insane, oddly dressed, nervous voice, that could guide her family.  Later that evening, Penelope shared her remarkable story with Dude.  He was excited for her.  Penelope asked, “I wonder if you have a gut feeling like Ira in your belly?”

Dude shrugged his shoulders, “I wonder.” Then he farted. And for a brief moment, Penelope and Dude stared at each other, curious if Dude’s fairy might emerge from a different place.  Penelope imagined his fairy would be named Shit-For-Brains Sean.  She giggled.

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