Sep 22

Playdate Rules


Playdates are fun!  They provide a fantastic outlet for your kid to release some energy. Having a four year old boy, I know firsthand the absolute necessity of releasing that energy.  If it doesn’t happen in a playdate, it will manifest later that day in screaming that is window shattering obnoxious, or in behavior that is “contrary”.  All parents will know that “contrary” is kind parent-speak for “pain in the ass.”

There needs to be rules.  I have an ever growing list of DO NOT’S for playdates at our house.  In no particular order, here is my current list.  Keep in mind that I have a playdate this afternoon, so there will most likely be one more rule added to my list tonight.

  1. No punching me in the balls. This seems self explanatory.  It’s not.  There are many actions that are taken as green lights to punching a grown up in the nuts.  If, while standing, you playfully growl, shoot pretend spider webs out of your hands, or even say anything that contains the word “monster” to a child, you are basically saying, “Hey buddy, punch me in my tenders right NOW!” I lay this rule out at the beginning of every playdate.
  2. Do NOT drag your nose across my couch, during cold season, and leave a giant snail trail of snot behind. Few things gross me out.  This is one of them.  I even saw this one coming.  He was wiping his nose feverishly, but before I could offer him a tissue, I see him throw himself face first onto my couch and draaaaaaaaag.  WHAT THE HELL?!  USE YOUR FRICKIN SHIRT AT LEAST!!
  3. Don’t poop or pee your pants at my house. Do whatever you like at your house, but at my house, if you poop your pants, you will be treated like an inmate.  I will drag you to the backyard, make you take off your clothes, and I will turn the hose on you.
  4. YOU figure it out. Being the arbitrator to the squabble of two four year olds is a frustrating mess.  I get so tired of saying, “YOU get it for five minutes, and then when I blow the horn, HE gets it for five minutes!” If they aren’t punching each other out, they can work it out.  Have you ever watched two four year old’s argue? It’s like watching an old married couple. “You’re not listening to my words!” – “That’s mine and I had it first!” – “You’re not my friend anymore.  I’m separating from you!” Sometimes I hear the exact arguments that Gayle and I have, but instead of the subject being the household, it’s Spiderman.

Get off your butts and play!  That’s why this playdate is happening: so that you get tired, and I don’t have to deal with a psycho at the end of the day!  SO GO HAVE FUN! NOW!

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