Jul 31

Potty Training For the Crazy Nudey Child

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We have successfully potty trained both our boys.  My wife and I are actually so proud of this achievement that we are writing a book about how we did it!  You. Are. Welcome!  (It is my understanding that if you do something twice, it makes you an automatic expert in the field, and thusly should share that knowledge with others.)

There is one area of potty training that I didn’t quite see coming.  I thought it might not occur until my kids were in high school or college.  And that is the joyful outdoor peeing in inappropriate places and inappropriate ways.  

Alistair, my two point fiver, usually opts to be full nude when at the house.  Being in a hot climate makes this not only acceptable, but almost more humane than making him wear clothes outside.  Even if I did desire him to be clothed, it wouldn’t last. Within 5 minutes there would be his shirt on a tree branch, his shorts on the slide, his underwear possibly on his head, and his socks….god knows where…maybe the neighbor’s yard?

And it’s not long before I see him spread his legs and do what looks like a hula hooping motion WHILE HE PEES ON THE YARD. No concern for where in the yard, no, he just let’s loose wherever his spirit takes him.  Usually during this peeing he provides accompaniment by a made up 15 second theme song.  With lyrics, it usually sounds like, “Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah yeah yeah!” Oh, and if I’m really lucky, he might actually decide to aim his pee, which usually ends in him peeing on stuff…you know, like himself, or MY STUFF!

shaking my head. I’m raising a frat boy.

I have a pretty good rule for peeing outside.  It’s “COME ON!  PEE IN THE BUSHES!” I am normally caught saying this while I am watching Alistair pee in the middle of the yard.  It seems like a really simple rule to follow:  if you have to pee, and you are outside, walk over to the bushes and DO IT THERE! But it’s not.  Because, you see, my vegetable garden and my blueberry bushes, they all apparently look like good peein’ bushes.  (I’m laughing my butt off right now thinking about people reading this who I’ve given vegetables to.  Don’t worry, he didn’t pee on that one!  I swear!  You got stuff from the raised bed…outside his pee stream range! Pinky swear!) But the bottom line is that Alistair doesn’t care about the rules…his peeing has become a circus sideshow that he’s learning how to master.  Moves like Hula Peeing, The Nude Fountain, The Total Disregard, and The Look I’m Going To Pee On Something That I Know I Shouldn’t And See What My Dad Does…..these are only a few in his arsenal.

Hi you…I just peed where you’re standing.

I’m mulling over giving consequences to peeing in the wrong places outside.  Right now, I’m the “What are you..?!  Come ON!” guy.  How do you guys handle this type of situation?  After I roll my eyes and/or yell my catch phrase and/or admittedly, occasionally laugh, I need to have a game plan.  Do you make sure they pee before they go out to play?  Do you try and get them to stop mid-stream and relocate?  That might be considered torture. It would be torture for me.  How have you handled that?

 

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