Apr 7

Real Parenting

Parenting is great, sure.  And yes, there are times when you sit back and ponder the magical beauty and purity and loving goodness and rainbows and the  cupcake feelings that arise from simply being in the presence of your children. I’ve read a lot about those feelings.  And they are definitely wonderous.  I like to write about the other 98% of the time.

I like to write about the times when I roll over in bed so that I’m face to face with my beautiful wife, and I lean in to give her a quick kiss on the lips, but it’s dark, and I accidentally kiss her on the nostril, and she gets disgusted.  So I pull back and then re-approach, but this time my knee stabs her in the side, she winces in pain and then makes some sort of slam about my bony knees.

Then, once we’ve arranged ourselves so that we are comfy, and we can finally take a deep breath and take stock of our day, we look at each other half baked from sleep deprivation, and our conversation goes a little something like this:

Me: “Wow, can you believe what a little shit he was today?!”

Her: “I know, what do you think his deal was?”

Me:  “Beats me, but I almost chucked him through a window.”

Her: “That would have definitely been wrong.  Plus we don’t have ‘new window’ money.”

Me:  “That’s why I held back.”

Her: “What do the parenting books say about his behavior?”

Me: “That he is asserting his independence.”

Her: “Really?  Punching you in the face is an assertion of independence?”

Me:  “I guess.  I took it more to be that he was being an asshole.”

Her: “Me too.”

Me: “At least I was able to give him the consequence of cleaning the house for an hour. He actually got a lot done!  I kinda wish he’d punch me in the face again!”

Her: “Yeah! He’s so cute, though, isn’t he?”

Honestly, I don’t know who these people are that have angelic 3 year olds.  If I’m talking to a parent, and they tell me they have a perfect little 3 year old, I immediately slap them across the face.  This is to jar them back into reality, because obviously they are delusional. If you have had or currently own a 3 year old, you should know what I’m talking about.  If you have a two year old, I’m sorry to tell you that the “Terrible Two’s” are a myth.  It’s the “Terrible Three’s.” Two was a breeze compared to three.  The “Fantasticalicious Four’s” begin this Sunday for Noble, and we are very excited for the transformation that will occur overnight, turning him into a well rounded child who understands and appreciates all our boundaries.  I can’t wait to report on the perpetual cupcake feelings!

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