Dec 17

The Science Of Parenting Is Dumb…And So Is Meth

It’s a statistical factuality, based on a large number of highly scientific case studies that indeed the science of parenting is dumb. Unfortunately for you animal rights lovers, some of those studies included rats. But please be assured, they weren’t harmed.  They were just told how awful their parenting styles were, and how everything they are doing is causing irreparable harm to the brain developments of their tiny little baby rats. Then, the educated scientists watched as the tiny little baby rats grew into mentally and emotionally damaged adolescent rats who then turned to Meth. Meth rats.  Not a good sign for the youth of humans…if we are to draw conclusions from these professional rat studies.

I fear for the future of our children.  Not just because the world is supposed to end in 2012.  And not just because if it doesn’t end in 2012, then cyborgs will most certainly destroy the human race a short time thereafter.  And not just because if THAT doesn’t happen, then the sun will probably burn out early or something.  It’s because we are getting so impossibly specific with the science of how we raise our kids. We treat them just like little rats, and we dissect them (not literally….I hope) and make big assumptions based on some good ol’ science.

There’s science that says that if you let a kid cry it out, you are damaging his brain.  There’s science that says that a kid NOT getting proper sleep will damage his brain.  There’s science about how glorious breastmilk is, and there’s science that says that formula is great for the baby’s development.  There’s science about vitamins. There’s science about spanking, about time outs, about yelling, about art, about teething, eating, praising a kid who craps in the toilet for the first time, licking frozen telephone poles, global warming, diarrhea, gatorade, and I’ve even seen science about the science of science.

It’s too much.  It’s too overwhelming.  And really, actually factually according to my personal pie charts… it’s dumb.  I have a high school education with one year of community college under my belt.  So clearly I know what I’m talking about. If you look back in this post, I used some pretty awesome words, like “irreparable”, “cyborgs” and I even spelled diarrhea right.  So I MUST know what I’m talking about.

Here’s my personal science:   do whatever you want, read everything, study your ass off about children, and in the end, no matter what you do, you WILL screw your kids up. Love them too much, you’ll ruin them.  Be too hard on them, you’ll ruin them.  Don’t feed them….well, they die.  So let’s make sure we feed them. And above all else, for the love of god, keep them away from Meth!

Honestly, so what if they lost two neurons because they cried at night for a few days?  Did they need those two neurons?  They are going to butcher a few million when they get into college, that’s for sure.  What if that crying and self soothing made them stronger, more independant, and ONLY because of that, when they were in 7th grade, they chose not to do Meth in that one kid’s garage that one night when everybody else’s kids did. And those kids all wound up thinking they were dragon slayers and now permanently see everything in various shades of red.  When that article comes out, we’ll all be letting our babies cry it out, believe you me!

Or what if they became highly bonded to their parents because they co-slept all those years?  No cry it out for them! And that loving bond was what ultimately built massive self esteem in the child, and ONLY because of that self esteem and self worth was he able to say no to the kid’s in the garage who were doing Meth because he didn’t need the approval of the Meth heads….unlike the other kids, who were all cry it outters.  Unfortunately, in this scenario, the garage boys all felt alone in the world because their parents abandoned them at night and inadvertently forced them to make soothing life choices on their own.  Too bad it was a Meth choice.

And let’s not forget Billy, the young boy who was formula fed since birth.  Not receiving the purity and loving holiness that is breastmilk, he wound up getting sick quite often as a child. His immune system didn’t receive the glorious intake of colostrum, and so it was that he spent two weeks home from school with back to back viruses. During that two weeks, a gang of organized Meth zombies drove a semi truck into Billy’s school, kidnapping all the children and forcing them into sweat shop labor, making Meth and soccer balls.  Guess who got kidnapped?  The breastfed kids.  The healthy, always at school, breastfed kids. Guess who moved on to a different school and went on to invent the SunGazer, the first pair of sunglasses that allow you to stare directly at the sun for as long as you want, with NO retinal damage?  It was Billy…formula kid.

It’s all just a crap shoot really. I really don’t care which method you use, they are all wrong.  So which shoot of crap are you gonna send your kids down?  Me, I just don’t want my kids doing Meth.

Meth is for dummies! Yeah, I know I got a booger bit hangin from my nose hole. What about it?

So sorry, but I prefer bouncing and my rice cakes to your silly Methy Meth.

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