May 10

She Looks Like A Woman…

The moment the door closed behind Gayle, as she left for work on Friday, I jumped to Noble.  “Noble!  We are gonna do something awesome for Mom today!  Wanna know what it is?!”

He beamed with enthusiasm, “What?!”

“We’re gonna get pictures taken of you and Alistair!  Isn’t that…” But before I could finish selling him on how much fun we would have, he was screaming tears.  You would have thought I murdered his favorite toy in front of him.

“I don’t wanna get my picture taken!!!! I don’t! I’m not! I won’t!”

Clearly I had two choices.  I could be the unpleasant, suck it up you’re going and you’re gonna like it, dad. But that would have made the experience pretty crappy and I really didn’t want to be an asshole.  It would have required multiple assholings so as to reinforce my expectations and that would have sucked, for all of us.  So I bribed him.  Yes, I bribed him with a Venom doll. He would listen to the photographer, get his picture taken with Alistair, and if he had great behavior, we would get him a Venom doll.  The bribe worked.

At the mall, I dealt with many things. In rapid fire: The place we went last time was no longer there, so we had to find a new place.  Noble got hungry for a snack. Alistair filled up a diaper. We found the new place and we got an appointment, but it wouldn’t be for another hour so we rode the carousel.  We went back to the picture studio, we did the photo shoot and at one point Alistair fell down and hit his head on the hard floor. I had to console a crying baby while encouraging my older son to smile and be “fun” for the camera.

The photo shoot lasted about 10 minutes.  Noble and Alistair were amazing for the camera, up until Alistair bonked his head that is.  After that, his eyes were red and puffy from crying and he had no desire to get his picture taken.  I didn’t blame him.  The lady taking the pictures was slow as hell in setting things up and she actually thought that I should set Alistair up before she had the camera ready for shooting.  You can’t expect a 7 month old infant to sit still while you set up your camera for a shot.  Just tell me when you are ready, and I will drop that kid into the shot.  Then fire away!

Well,  the photos were uploaded onto their monitors, I picked out my favorites, ordered a package and then waited for the order to get processed.  Apparently it was only gonna take 10 minutes.  It was in that 10 minute window that my face would go from peachy white boy to tomato red.

While we waited, Noble in my arms, a tall woman of about 45 years approached us and said in a deep voice, “You’re order will be right out. They are putting it all together right now.”  She then walked back behind the counter, maybe 15 feet away.  Noble pipes up instantly, “Daddy, that woman – she looks like a woman, but she talks like a man!”


Avoiding all eye contact with the woman, I said to Noble in a quite voice, “ah come on, noble, you don’t have to say that.”   I wasn’t mad at him.  Embarrassed more than I’ve ever been embarassed in my life, sure, but I couldn’t get mad at him.  Because he was right.  She did have a man voice.  It was deep, hollow, and if I were blindfolded, I would have guessed – man. And I didn’t want to get into a dialogue with Noble about social etiquette. That would have prolonged the embarrassment because Noble would most definitely have plead his case….loudly.

The results of the photo shoot were fantastic, especially considering that we only had 12 or so to choose from. The shoot was cut drastically short because of the Alistair bonk. Normally they do two background changes and take tons more pictures.  We had very few, but ALL were awesome if I do say so myself.

Gayle got her pictures Friday after work.  I know mother’s day was Sunday, but if you have ever tried to get a 4 year old to keep a secret about something happening in two days, then you either know what I’m talking about, or you will most definitely post a comment and tell me how the hell you do it.

Here’s a couple pics from the shoot.  Sorry bout quality, I am actually holding the physical photo up to the iPhoto camera…

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