Oct 24

How To Survive Eating A Hot Pepper

If you came to this post from a search because you are dying inside from eating a hot pepper and need a way to cool the flames right now, and you have no time to read a lengthy comedic post, then here’s your answer:  Bread.  Just keep stuffing your face with bread.  You’re welcome.  For the rest of you…..please read on!

It was a delivery for dinner kind of night.  This particular night Gayle and I chose to get Indian food.  I’m a fan of veggie samosas, so that was on the list.  Gayle wasn’t going to be home until a little later, so I sat down with Noble and Alistair and we began to eat.  Unfortunately, my veggie samosas were nowhere to be found. They got the dang order wrong!  Instead they gave us raw onions and some green bell peppers. I made a phone call, received an apology and the samosas were delivered shortly thereafter.

The nice delivery lady said we could keep our raw vegetables.  So we sat down and an excited Noble asked if he could eat some of those vegetables.  Heck yeah!  My son wants to eat vegetables?  GO FOR IT!  He grabbed a big green bell pepper and took a huge bite.  What followed was completely unexpected.

His face turned bright red, his mouth opened wide and he began to scream in terror.  At first I thought he was choking, but soon realized that we was making way too much noise to be choking.  Panicked, I tried to figure out if it was just really a gross tasting, maybe moldy green bell pepper, so without thinking I quick grabbed one and took a big bite to try and see just what the hell was going on.  It took about half a second before I realized what the terror was about.  This wasn’t a green bell pepper.  It was a jalapeno, or some other kind of green hot pepper, most likely forged in the lowest level of hell.

Recreation: the actual face was more red, and more....unholy.

The remaining 10 minutes were quite the bonding experience for Noble and me.  We went through the same vicious torment together.  We tried everything.  We lapped at the water faucet like dehydrated dogs.  We dipped our tongues in milk, and even gargled yogurt like it was mouthwash.

I am surprised that we didn’t get burn blisters on the inside of our mouths!  I now know the difference between a bell pepper, and that other kind of pepper for who’s name I shall not speak.

I'm so dumb.

In the event that you or your child suffer the same horrific situation, I would like to share with you some things that worked and didn’t work with us.  Just remember that if it happens you can always come to the site, and in the search area over there on the sidebar, just write something like “just ate a hot pepper” or “mouth is burning” or “holy shit that is hot” or “I just ate Satan” and because I just wrote those statements down, they will bring you to this very post.

So here are some hot pepper emergency remedies and how we fared with them:

  • Drink Water – Did NOT work.  Odd, too, because when I think “mouth on FIRE” it seems only proper to douse with water.  No such luck.  We definitely kept ourselves hydrated, at the very least…
  • Drink Milk – This only worked a little.  It seems like the initial drink of the milk lessened the burn.  But it was too temporary for our dire need.
  • Yogurt – We took the milk idea a step further.  The milk helped only while we sipped, so we tried shoveling spoonfuls of yogurt into our mouths and just letting it sit there.  It helped!  But it required letting yogurt sit around in our mouths for long stretches of time…..not fun.
  • Eat Bread – Hallelujah!  This is the holy grail of hot pepper eradication.  While crying (Noble, not me…I’m way too manly to cry after eating a hot pepper, WAY TOO MANLY.  Those were empathy tears for my son) we ripped off large chunks of some homemade wheat bread and ate like cavemen.  Cavemen that held each other tight because they were suffering.  But cavemen, nonetheless!  Crumbs were everywhere; we didn’t care.
Besides learning that bread is the answer, I’m also taking away from this ordeal one very important lesson:  KNOW YOUR VEGETABLES!  I can’t believe I thought that was a bell pepper!  (Side note:  Gayle CAN believe I thought it was a bell pepper…she believes it whilst shaking her head in awe.  Just when she thinks I have raised the bar as high as it will go in the quest for idiocy, I go and add an extension.  I like to keep things exciting.)
Have you ever gone through this kind of torture?  If you have, share with us what you did to remedy the situation!

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Posted in How To