Mar 30

The Noble Path

We are getting older.  And with age comes stress, frustation, helplessness, self doubt, and a bunch of other sucky shit.  We get wrapped up in our crazy jobs, in our crazy lives, with no time, and no energy, because of a bunch of sucky shit.

“What’s the answer then, Russ?” you ask, kind of snotty like. “I don’t need to hear you bashing my life and telling me all the sucky shit that goes on…I’m LIVING it man!”

Alright, good point.  What I’m driving at, in my 5 am delusion, induced by a careful mixture of 1 parts coffee to 2 parts sleep deprivation, is that if you want to truly enjoy life, then you must learn from your children.  They have it figured out.  They definitely don’t stress because “there’s just not enough time in the day” or because “people want to much from me!” They are still so damn innocent, and haven’t been dropped 10 stories up from a window in the building of life onto the concrete sidewalk of reality.

So doing simple math, if Noble has it all figured out, and I don’t, then I need to start living the Noble Path.  Unfortunately, Buddhism has coined a Noble Eightfold Path, so I will make mine the Noble Sevenfold Path just to one up Buddhism and show the world how to get to enlightenment in less steps.  Follow this to reach enlightenment:

  1. Wake up before everyone else: Life is so much better when YOU wake THEM up.  Noble has shown me that when you shake someone awake, demanding cereal, you are a part of the process of life.  Sure, the people you wake up will be bitter little crybabies.  But that’s them.  That’s their problem. You will be on your way to nirvana.
  2. Demand what is rightfully yours: Stop living in self-doubt, not wanting to make waves.  You deserve everything you want.  This includes chocolaty breakfast,  a never ending supply of toys and stickers, juice boxes all day long,7 hours of tv a day, video games, ANYTHING! Ask and ye shall potentially receive.  Don’t ask, and the answer will always be “no”.  And don’t stop asking after the first 15 no’s. There’s ALWAYS a possibility of a “yes” showing up.  Be persistent. This is the enlightened way.
  3. Play with your toys as if they are indestructable: If you truly want to immerse yourself in the joys of life, then you must play with abandon.  Throw your Spiderman doll across the yard with all your might; jump up and down on your plastic transformer.  When they shatter, then you know it’s time to move on to something else.  I’m going to try this with my laptop.  If you don’t hear from me for awhile, you’ll know why:  I’ve reached enlightenment.
  4. Don’t hold back emotion…ever: If somebody wrongs you, let them know by screaming, and throwing air punches at their head.  This enables you to completely purge all sucky emotion.  The end result is that you can hate someone and then 2 seconds later be their best friend. This sounds crazy, but I watch Noble and his friends do this on playdates.  At the end of the day, none of them has said, “You know who’s really pissing me off lately, that I just can’t seem to overcome…” or even, “I’m so damn stressed out…”They are enlightened…they know the way.
  5. Every meal must be a snack: Refuse to eat any meal termed breakfast, lunch, or dinner.  These are unenlightened meals.  Only eat food when it is termed “a snack”.  It could be chicken, with rice and a salad, but if it is called “dinner”, it’s bad for the soul.  That same meal, called “snack”, has transformative powers.
  6. Swing around: get yourself a personal assistant, or a father, and require them to spin you around and around until they are the verge of throwing up.  Then give them 10 seconds and require them to do it again.  Repeat 20 times for enlightenment.
  7. Bedtime for Enlightenment: Upon entering into nighttime, begin the process by refusing to acknowledge it.  By using step #4 to all those around you, you are showing the universe that you are it’s master.  Only then can you begin to lay down for the night.  But first,  have your assistants bathe you, read to you, put covers over you, get you water, and rub your back.  Then, with a half smile you may drift off into a peaceful, enlightened, slumber.  You have arrived.

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