Apr 6

The Parenting Switcheroo

And now for a little switcheroo.  Here is what a working parent would go through if their work life was like my stay at homer life.  The scene would go a little something like this:

Ted: “Bob, you got those 3rd quarter reports for me?”

Bob: “I don’t want to do them.”

Ted: “Excuse me?  We already agreed that you would do them. ”

Bob: “I don’t want to do them.”

Ted: “You said you were gonna do them!”

Bob:  “I changed my mind.”

Ted: “You can’t change your mine, Bob.  We talked about this.  We agreed you would do the reports.  You are totally fucking me over right now.”

Bob:  “You just said a bad word.”

Ted: “Dammit Bob! You know what happens if I don’t attach the 3rd quarter reports to my work?  I get fired.  Do you want me to get fired?”

Bob: “Fucking.  Fuck-fucking.”

Ted: “Please, can you just finish those reports?”

Bob:  “No.  I don’t like 3rd quarter reports.  I gotta good idea though!”

Ted: “What?”

Bob: “Let’s hide under the desks!  And then when Marge comes in, let’s pretend to be Yetis!  Is that a good idea?!”

Ted: “I’m a dead man.”

The story continues for another hour.  Bob learns two new curse words and Ted has a heart attack.

There is so much talking at home when you have small children.  It’s exhausting.  I actually daydream about conversations with Noble that go like this:

(For some reason Noble has a British accent in my daydreams.)

Dad: “Noble, here’s your bowl of Trix.”

Noble: “I’m sorry daddy. But I’d much prefer a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.”

Dad:  “Noble, you asked for Trix.”

Noble “Right you are daddy.  Terribly sorry.  I shall eat my bowl of Trix.”

Dad: “Fantastic!”

Noble: “Perhaps tomorrow I will remember to ask for the cereal I desire!  Silly me!”

Dad: “I love you Noble. You are the best.”

Noble:  “I love you, too, Daddy.  Shall we read quietly when I complete my breakfast.”

Dad: “Sure!”

Then a single tear rolls down my daydreaming cheek as I realize this scene will never make it to production. And then I’m startled awake by a random object being axed down on my testicles.  Oh, it’s just Noble!  He wants to play!  Let me just vomit first.

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