Apr 3

Women Are Pace Tyrants

So it has come to my attention that women (if I’m to relate my personal experience and then cast out a massive gender generalization) try to get their husbands to heel like dogs when they are out in public.  This was evident to me on our walk yesterday. Gayle, Alistair and I (Although Alistair and I count as one in this story, as I was Bjorning him) were walking in Old Town Pasadena, checking out some Pottery Barn stuff and hitting the 21 Flavors.  And as we are walking (Gayle is about 3 steps ahead of me) she turns back at me with a look of disgust, like I’d crapped my pants and the stink was everywhere, and says, “ugh, can you walk any slower?”

Now I love my wife, I should disclaim that right now.  She is the best wifey available. She is wonderful and beautiful and sexy and smart and funny, and her version of the story would probably include comments like “scatter brained husband” or “unfocussed douche bag”, but this is my blog so you get my perspective!

So I’m hustling to catch up to her pace, and when I get to her speed I start laughing.  She asks why, and I tell her that I pretty much have only one option when I’m walking with her, and that’s to match her step by step.  Because usually I walk 1 mph faster than her and her comment then is, “Hey, do you want to slow down and act like you know me?” So I have to basically keep monitoring my speed to keep my body adjacent to my wife as we walk.  Easy for her, she has nothing to do but walk.  Pain in the ass for me, because I have to continuously alternate between brakes and accelerator.

What about us, guys?! I think it’s time for a pace revolution!  Guys across the world need to unite and stop these women from becoming pace tyrants!  Our gait is just as valid, men!  If we let them get away with forcing us to heel like dogs, then the next thing will be shock collars!  Rise up men!  Be strong!

Alright, I’m gonna organize a massive movement now.  What? Oh, no, I was referring to a bowel movement.  I had a lot of fiber this morning.

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