Now Reading: DON’T BE A SCHLUB

September 18, 2018By Russ


Confession time. I’m a schlub. The definition? I’ll look it up, just so we are accurate. Hold, please….. WHOA! What the hell?! I just looked up the definition, it’s “a person regarded as clumsy, stupid, or unattractive.” Unbelievable! I am NOT a schlub! I thought it meant someone who doesn’t keep a clean face, maybe lets their nose and ear hairs grow too long, trips over things, wears the same clothes from 10 years ago, and maybe forgets things easily. I was trying to say that I do not have a super stylish wardrobe, and I shower only when I remember, which can sometimes be every day, and sometimes it means every couple of days. I’m saying that clearly I’m not a metrosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a metrosexual. Many of my friends are metrosexual. I’m just saying that I’m a messy individual. And I get my clothes from Old Navy…..not that a metrosexual can’t own clothes from Old Navy, that’s not what I’m saying. Quit backing me into a corner here! Fine! Alright! I’m a schlub! You happy?!

Well, I have news for you. My schlubbin’ days are over! That’s right, I’m cleaning up my act. I got some free men’s products from Aveeno recently-sent because I have this amazing blog that both of you have been faithfully reading-and I’ve been using them. And I do believe my entire world is changing for the better.

They gave me their new mens line: face wash, shaving gel, and after shave. Not too shabby!OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Can I ask you a private question? Don’t tell anyone I asked you, because it will probably make me look stupid…or schlub-like, and I’m trying to shake that image. What’s the deal with face wash? It’s like rubbing sandy lotion on your face, right? Apparently, I’ve been allowing my face to be covered with a dead layer of skin all these years. No biggie for me. But that’s what my wife has been nuzzling up to all these years: my zombie layer! Do you think it’s worth it to rub sandy lotion on your face, to “exfoliate”? Do you actually notice a difference? I’m not 100% sold on the whole face wash idea. But then again, I’m not sold on soap and proper hygiene either, so what do I know? (Gosh, I’m seeing that I have schlubbery even in the way I talk. It’s a disease!)

The one product that I’m so glad I got, which I’m going to buy over and over again, is the shave gel.

I don’t like no vegee-table oil shave-a-cream!
I don’t like no vegee-table oil shave-a-cream!

I’ve never gone out of my way to find a good shaving gel because I’m just lazy and don’t care (ugh, there’s the schlubitude again). But this Aveeno one I can honestly say is noticeably different, in a good way. It’s such a complete contrast to the vegan-healthy-loveydovey-shave-slime that Gayle bought that literally goes on like vegetable oil and doesn’t take away any of the harshness from the razor. I would have to squeeze half of it out of the organic recyclable tube, and then cry my way through the shave. With the Aveeno shave gel, I just used a small quarter sized amount and it covered my entire face in this glorious spectacu-lather. Night and day!

In my old way of shaving, using Gayle’s earthy-canola-oil-nightmare-gel, after I butchered my face with the razor, I would then reach for the after shave. But I would remember that my old after shave is perfumed, and if Gayle gets anywhere near that perfumy after shave stink, she’ll dry heave. So in order to get any affection from my wife, I have to endure the untended burn of a god awful shave.

Mens_ShaveGel_Can[1]So imagine how happy I was to see that the Aveeno products are all fragrance free. Thank. God!

Interestingly, though, there is still a smell to them. It’s really hard to describe the smell of “fragrance free” without my brain exploding into confusion pucky, so I will just say that my nose picked up on something that wasn’t nothing, but it was gone shortly after it arrived. I don’t know if it should be called “fragrance free” or perhaps the more appropriate “Magical Disappearing Scent.”

I really can’t say whether or not I would recommend the face wash, as I am a newly reformed schlub and don’t have enough experience to say anything with certainty. The shave gel and after shave, though, are fantastic. Just look at my before and afters if you need further proof:

Before Shave
Before Shave: SCHLUB!

After Shave…JUST KIDDING! But definitely schlub-free, except for that open wound on his eye. I bet you think that’s sexy though. Pshaw.

Actual After Shave….JUST KIDDING AGAIN! Although we are getting closer!
Actual After Shave….JUST KIDDING AGAIN! Although we are getting closer!

ACTUAL After Shave…notice the smoothness of the skin and the missing dead zombie layer?
ACTUAL After Shave…notice the smoothness of the skin and the missing dead zombie layer? No schlub here!

Let me ask this question again, just in case you forgot it as you were mesmorized by my Brad Pitt-esque facial features. Should guys use face wash? Are there hygiene practices that your man (or YOU if you are a man) absolutely MUST have? White teeth? No pit stink? Back hair removal? This might actually secretly help me to woo my wife, so help a brutha out! She doesn’t read my blog, she’ll never know I asked…damnit, she just looked over my shoulder while I typed this. Nevermind, I’ll just ask her directly. Feel free to answer anyway to help out any other male types out there: Best way to de-schlub?


What do you think?

Show comments / Leave a comment

Leave a reply

  • 01


Quick Navigation